Here's what I need. A large, neon laminated sign that reads:
"Remember: School Pictures Suck. Do Not Order."

But no. Every September the big order form arrives via backpack. With a matrix of options so complicated you need a PhD in statistics to decipher it.

Traditional gray or color?

Traditional color or Vibrant color?

Traditional Vibrant or Vibrant with Lightning Bolts?

Natural or Zit-Erasure?

Package A)1 class photo, (11) 8x10's, (23) 5x7's, (50) 4x6's, (150) 2x3's and (5000) 1x2's.

$78.50 That seems fair.

EXCEPT THEY'RE GOING TO SUCK.

They should just name the packages

Package A "The Suck"

Package B "The Lame"

Package C "The Fugly"

and

Package D "Not My Child".

But every year, we pick out The Outfit, do The Hair, send them to school with a brush, cross our fingers with the highest of expectations for The Fugly with vibrant fuschia lightning bolts. Minus 3 5x7's. Plus keychain.